US Weekly, Featuring Me.

I love US Weekly magazine.  And, well, celebrity gossip in its entirety. Their public humiliation and lack of privacy is really just part of their payment for being blessed with naturally high metabolisms, flawless skin and the ability to make millions, even if they are only moderately talented.

One of my favorite features is the “25 things you don’t know about ___.”  Sorta feels like a little intimate blurb into the lives of these A list people.  They got to sit and come up with 25 individual things that they find to be interesting about themselves, with hopes that it will act as a reminder to the public that they are in fact, human beings.

So every time I read them, I always think to myself, what 25 things would I write down given the opportunity to publish?

So here they are, 25 things you (may) not know about Ashley Shuey:

1.  I played volleyball year round from 7th grade all the way thru senior year of high school.

2.  I have been tasered before.

3.  I love planning, making lists, keeping an updated calendar. 

4.  I lived in LA for 5 months and interned at Capital Records and Atlantic Records.

5.  I once had an unfortunate addiction to farmville.

6. Tosh.O is my favorite TV show, and that’s saying a lot because I watch a TON of bad TV.  He’s tall, we’ll be married eventually.

7.  I would eat Welch’s Strawberry Fruit Snacks 10x a day if given the chance.

8.  I seriously want a mustache tattooed on my finger.  Seems like a good party trick/ice breaker.

9.  I love John Mayer, no matter how many horrible things he says in his Ambien induced interviews.

10.  Still convinced I will win the lottery eventually…soon….hopefully….definitely.

11.  I’m a terrible listener. 

12.  I am more scared to drive in the rain than the snow.

13.  I am TERRIFIED of bums.  I’ve been barked at by a bum, chased down the street by a bum, asked to be the personal assistant of a bum (and later realized a felon).

14.  Owls are my favorite animal/bird.

15.  I HATE Pork, Ham, Bacon and anything pig.

16.  I want to learn to speak French and play the piano.

17.  I’m an impulse shopper.  Last month, I ordered a bookmark with a finger that points to the last line read, a plant that you grow out of a can, and temporary finger tattoos.

18.  I have aspirations of becoming a greeting card writer because half the ones I read in the stores are not funny or too corny.  We get it, getting older is something you should make fun of people about, but gimme a new approach Shoebox.

19. I’m a big time layer-er.  I usually have on roughly 2-4 layers at any given time dependant upon the season.

20.  I appreciate and love all four seasons of the year.

21.  I am a complete hypochondriac.  I was convinced I had spinal meningitis in college.

22. You’re.  Your.  FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE.

23.  I hate the number 23.

24.  I enjoy impersonating people and I’ve very observant of people’s mannerisms.

25.  I’m the biggest exaggerator in all of the entire universe and beyond.

That was a lot harder than I thought it would be!

Anyway, I am having a pretty standard week, but I’m realizing my lack of patience for the lazy and/or unintelligent has grown to new heights.

I was at ULTA yesterday treating myself to a new curling iron and some Bare Escetuals powder.  I got to the counter and the girl told me my total was $41.50.  I handed her $50 and she started to dig thru her drawer for my change.  I handed her .50 cents and said, “I have .50, just give me the extra dollar.” 

The look on her face, was pure devastation.  You would have thought I kicked her in the kidney or something.  She was completely clueless on how to proceed until the slightly more intelligent cashier next to her helped her out.  I mean……I thought four quarters = a dollar was a pretty common, widely known fact, but apparently not.

Worst part.  As I walked away, I heard her ask the other girl if her drawer would be short now because of this baffling exchange.  I found myself to be really mad at this girl.  Really mad that someone employeed her.  And really mad that her elementary school education was failing her. 

Feeling superior in intellect, I stolled over to Subway to grab a sandwich.  The doofy man in front of me ordered a turkey sandwich on, and I quote, “let me get that HERB bread.”  But he pronounced the “H.”  Say it outloud. HHHHHHERB bread.

Long story stort, if there were a 26th item to recall about myself, it would be a lack of patience of the less brainy folk.  And if you’re asking yourself this: “Ashley’s probably never wrong, right?”  The answer is, you’re correct.  I am never wrong.

So I leave you with this, the sweetest of jams from SIA for your Thursday evening.

Sia — Soon We Will Be Found

Sia — Clap Your Hands (We Are Born)

xoxo shu

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One thought on “US Weekly, Featuring Me.

  1. You’re #26 is my #1. And it’s probably my #1 flaw too. I get soooo frustrated with dumb people. The result is that many think I’m a bitch. I hate that. Why can’t they just get their GED and avoid that problem all together?

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